Room for Rent

ugh dying of work! over load over load of essays
restoration english friday and austen monday

help.

hmmm
what happens when you thought you could trust someone but it turns out u cant? what happens to a friendship?
heres the gist: been friends with P longer than he has known my friend I who is now his gf. got it?

does that mean that he has more "loyalty" to his gf or to an older friendship? granted the situation is hella complicated but still...i expressedly asked him multiple times through txts and actually saying 'keep this private' not to reveal to I what i was saying about certain things (they did concern I...)

today i find out that P told I. i should have known - i mean we're just friends and shes his gf. so why did i think that i could trust him? why did i think that i had precentdent and seniority over his gf?

questions.

i never thought that i would one day come face to face with complete ignorance. the type of ignorance you really can only hear about or see on fox tv because one would think, or assume as i did, that no one you knew could be so completely STUPID. the worst type of ignorance, in my belief, is when people do not take scientific fact as fact.
stuff like the sun is the centre of the solar system. or that global warming is occuring, there is most likely life on other planets, evolution.is.a.fact
that last one in particular - it just gets me that people think that life on this planet just occurred. whether it be by religious conviction or whatever, these people come off as ignorant evangelical southern unintelligent idiots.
its not even about the relgious factor its the complete lack of intelligence. granted religion is a HUGE part of the evolution "debate" but what gets me is that people who you would think, and hope, could be smart and reasonable turn out to be subjective asses.

i go to university every day, and now according to these people i am being brain washed to a certain degree to debase the human race. it gets me because i have to live with these people, i can't go anywhere im here 24/7 and i have to listen to this. im constantly surrounded by subjective, emotional dumbasses. then i get over emotional which shows me that i am jsut as bad as they are.
i need to get out of here.

ughhh
this is strange.
im pissed off...liek PISSED OFF, like angry tears (which happens alot) pissed off. stupid reasons. not the point
the point is who i want to talk to about it. no not Ez or I... i dont know why i want to talk to this person
everything is haywire and the only person i want to tell is him! im checking msn to see if he's on...im stalking him on facebook trying to decide if i shud send him a msg! wth!!?1 is this a residual effect of our friendship in the past?
hungry, mad, tired.

i dunno what i shud do/ prolly best if i just dont talk to him

feelin empty lately

or just today, right now.

somethings different, and i can't ignore it anymore.

so its october - davids bday, turkey fest, halloween and midterms define this month

been feeling low lately...no particular reason.
pms? lol got really pissed off at my mom today b.c of some dumb mother-daughter motivational how to have a baby self help cd she bought from indigo...
did i mention the cd is like 6 hrs long! 6 hrs of "my parents raised me teh best" "i raised my kids the best" "a daughter has to be in tune with her feminine body" all that shit
my mom thinks this is like god given. im just like wtf i dont need to know this shit now. god- im not having babies any time soon so like wtf when i need to know this stuff ill know it.

my mom thinks that this is part of some grand scheme to domesticate me and make me "act my age". apparently according to her "psychological" assesment of me i am regressing back to an angsty 16 year old. fuck it makes me so mad. i cant even reason with her. its liek im not angsty im pissed off because u think ur the absolute moral and educational authority on everyting. i dont want to listen to your self help crap b/c its BS - i dont need 2 be domesticated b/c u treat me like a fuking 15 year old - and im not "regressing" b/c u think i am.

she thinks she knows everything when its blatantly obvious shes the last person who should be talking about this- shes a elementary french teacher. she needs to see that shes not a doctor, not a therapist, and not educated.

hey ppl

so here i am sitting in Gerstein library, pretty much bored to heck. i havent written in a while for some pretty good reasons... emotional upheaval, academic stress etc...
anyways. im not with jonathan anymore. yes it is over...kinda traumatic but i got over it and now im "back to normal" but i dont think that i will ever be normal again, or be the person i used to be. this thing made me realize that soemthings are bigger than me and are more important than what may be good for me.
now that all sounds like a moral lesson that will mature me. but it hasnt - its not even a moral lesson. i just learned that sometimes you have to take responsibilty for other people, people who should be responsible for you. and sacrafices are inherently part of that. so this situation showed me that - it backhanded me across the face and kicked me in the butt until i realized this fact.

anyways im not with jon anymore and i know that i can never see him again. hes now my past. a distant memory (or not so distant...)

school started and here i am supposed to be studying...

better get back to that

its raining its pouring...and i can't go to wonderland. actually its not even raining, just cloudy "with a CHANCE of thunderstorms"...so jon and i planned our wonderland trip for today, we even woke up early...but my mother got all mad for some dumb ass reason citing that b/c today is sunday i have to go to church. god shes such a hypocrite...she lets jess go fuck around at a cottage with her bf all weekend but im not allowed to fuking go to wonderland. thus, we cancelled. we're going tommorow but its the principal of the situation. i wasnt allowed to go to a may 24 thingy overnight, and im 20 (almost) but jess can go to a fucking cottage with her bf and probably do drugs for all we know.

and now on top of that crap...i had bought 3 headbands and they're missing. i dont even get to wear them and the next day jessica has stolen them. and my mom doesnt even care...she doesnt do anythig to stop this...it happens all the time. my Juicy slippers- ruined by her sweaty fat feet. i actually bought her her own pair but she has to wear mine. fuck.

im mad.

summer time summer break...its here! i know, its been "offically" here for a while...about 3 weeks but i had lots of stuff to do in those 3 weeks so i was busy busy.

now on the other hand i have nothing to do...so im bumming around...fun.
i applied for jobs
wish i had done that earlier
let that
be a lesson

i just watched Battle Royale...japanese film...bunch of gr. 9s must battle to the death on a deserted island in a post-9/11 society which distrusts children. ...
that movie is srsly fuked up. like...14-15 y/o teens killing each other...it makes u think. its kinda sick actually. the premise doesnt really make sense...like ok, so the world doesnt trust teenagers, y make 50 of them kill each other on an island to maintain order? but i guess it doesnt have to make sense...the action and the insane killing sprees is the point of the movie.
makes me think about how I would react in a similar situation...if MY class was forced to fight by some ...insane military men...what would i do? hide? fight? would i be able to shoot a gun? much less shoot a gun at some1? or...kill a person with my bare hands?
who could i kill? even if it meant survival...who could i trust? be allies with?
these are dark thoughts..but valid ones i suppose. the movie makes u think and i am definitly thinking abt this...
i suppose in my class...ib that is...i couldnt really trust anyone. that is trust anyone enought to be allies with them in a Battle Royale. every man for himself. no trust, no compassion.
it sounds cold. it is cold...but...i dunno i cant even say that with conviction because im not sure if i could kill.
for my own life? i just dont know.

i know that i couldnt trust any one...its not a happy or hopeful thought but in all seriousness...i think in a situation like that anyone of my "friends" would shoot me if it meant survival. well, i guess they would need to be able to kill to kill me....but primal instict of survival can make one do anything.

some of the kids killed themselves...suicide...because they wouldnt submit to the game.
thats an option...but u need guts to kill yourself. more guts than to kill others i think. i dunt think i would do that...its a sin rite? but is it a sin if you're doing it to prevent yourself from submitting to mass murder?

its late...i need to sleep...prolly a bad idea to watch this before bed....

weird dreams tonight
laur

hey hey
so i have my last and final exam on monday!!! after a hard years work im finally finished..hard to believe. 2nd year is ova...lots of DRAMA! 2 bfs, a weird stalker and a betrayl by a friend...busy busy i am. im not exactly sure whats going to happen after my final on monday (which is Shakespeare btw) i mean work? volunteer? do nothing? study?
i have an interview for a summer position at the board so hopefully ill get that...its only a month but whatevers.

jon wanted to go out tonite...to the drive in with his friends and then to the bar..i said no.
its like i know that i should say no b/c of u know exams! but i want to go...maybe im just shy or ...anti social lol. and i relly do not like the bar scene... im at dads too so theres a problem. anyways i dont want the flak if i get back home at 2am...
lol i know. im just making excuses...
ARGH

ooo jon gave me the big 4 words teh other nite, lying on the bed with King of the HIll in the background (or was it south park?)) u know...I love YOU. its weird its only been 2mths but...it feels like i really know him...i said it back of course...hes so insecure about those words i couldnt not say it back...do i mean it? im not sure...i know its totally bad karma to declare love when u dont mean it but...just not yet. soon...i know it will happen soon.
so for now....i love you. its not that hard to say. i care about him alot...deeply. ugh i dunno
getting to introspective now.

ok
laur

exam time, exam time!
1 down 3 more to go...i had bio today...it was a total biatch but thats what i have come to expect from it. i wrote it in BN3 which has become like a default exam room for me.
got to school around 11ish (thank god no subway delays like yesterday...but the bus was another story!) studied with irene (speaking of which i need to post about her and douche- they are now offically 'dating' which ugh...i wont get into it now) anyways P wasnt there so it was all cool. but of course he shows and they get all...touchy...just ugh. ick. yuck.
leaning into each other and crap ...like bf/gf shit. dont get me wrong i dont care abt mild PDA but its douche !!!! i just want to scream it into her face! "WTF are you THINKING!?" how could any girl who knows the douche-history want to date...that ?
ugh but u know im over it. its sad cuz Irene and i wont be totally bff anymore. it happens- the bf always takes precendence over the friends in a situation like this. whatever.

anyways in my other social life news, J and i are still goin strong. our dates are on a bit of a hiatus cuz of exams...well MY exams he only had 1 (a fisrt year course on top of it). so he finished yesterday and is now free to do whateevr....apparently its volunteer at sick kids hospital. so hes all about getting his 90 on the exam which makes me like wonder if he ever did a hard exam liek bio250 or any science course for that matter. its like, i know hes in psyc which is a hella hard course load but still...what im doing, im sure is like 10x as hard as his stuff.

im getting sick of our dating style tho i have to say. its so predictable. movie at his place/make out. movie theatre. the end. sucks. we need ot shake it up...go out ...dance or something...hmm theres something for me to ponder a bit.

well i have eng202 on thurs, hmb265 on tues, and eng220 on monday!
202 is gonna be a toughie i will admit. but im sure i can do good, i mean well hehehe.

ttyl bb
laur

today confrontation dude, confronted me.
too much drama
i dont know why he thinks that its all a big misunderstanding. it's like he thinks that if he smiles and looks at me in the eye that ill stop ignoring his presence. ha. never gonna happen.
he has to understand that i dont just forgive and forget. dont expect that from me. ill forgive, im a good catholic *.* but not yet.

in other news: friday's rapidly approaching :)
im excited, how can i not be? J is definitly different from other guys (S, D, K --> all really tall (lol i just can't get over that) and totally buff). in J's case, i dont care...Irene wud say im "maturing." ha no way, if J was fug i wouldnt even consider looking at him, and he's good looking in any case so it doesnt matter.
i luv our hours long convos at night. never had that before. with D he'd only want to talk abt what he wants to talk abt...stupid russian crap. J and I have a bit of a phone convo transcript: drugs -->are you in bed? --> what are you wearing --> turning each other 'on' with nerdy stuff
its so silly, i luv it

heres a new Hil Duff song "dreamer" it totally works and i love the beat:

I'm at the grocery store and there you are just watching me
Pick up my clothes from the cleaners and look who I see
I try to lose you in my car
But you won't go away
Come on buddy don't you think you've overstayed your stay
Don't you have better things to do with your life
Then hang around and stare at me and complicate mine
Your eyes must burn so bad cause you haven't blinked
You and me will never be
If that's what you think

Oh your such a dreamer
But I'm not a believer in
All the things that you dream
Stop watching me
Stop watching me

I go to bed and I wake up isn't that interesting
I brush my teeth and feed my dogs
Isn't that thrilling
(dont you think that that's thrilling dont you think)
It must be fun to follow me pretending we're a thing
It's just so messed up cant you see
That your just scaring me

ps: neeed new layout...

pps: need to figure out how to use new layout...

haha dear diary, mood apathetic